Wherever you are in your transition to parenthood, it’s helpful to be sharp about your priorities and gentle with your expectations. After all, this is a time that can bring a whirlwind of excitement, nerves, and even dread depending on the moment.

No matter how much rearranging you do, the puzzle that is your life can only fit so many pieces! Trying to do more than you have the time or energy for simply doesn’t work out in the long run. This is true at any point, but is especially pronounced when we become parents juggling our careers with our new roles at home.

We’re here to help you manage your expectations during this busy and demanding transition through three exercises: getting into the mindset that this is a marathon; coming to terms with your shifting identity; and taking a good look at the logistics of your days to fit what you most want.

First of all, parenting is a marathon. And marathons can be a lot of things all at once—i.e. extremely tiring with a lot of work and preparation, and also extremely rewarding with a lot of beauty and joy.

While any given moment can feel long and difficult, the time also flies. Of course knowing that doesn’t change the fact that life with a newborn is, for a certain amount of time, life in survival mode. And many parents have such short (if any) parental leave that they’re back to work before physically healing, fully establishing breastfeeding, or putting efficient systems in place to juggle it all.

Your supply can also be impacted in times of transitions, and that includes when you’re learning to pump. Fortunately any dips are typically small and temporary as your body learns to respond to stimuli other than your baby to release milk. (If you find yourself struggling with your letdown when you pump, there are ways to work on your mind-body connection that can help.)

“Feeding discussions are the tip of the iceberg,” says pediatrician Dr. Laurie Jones, who offers tips on managing your supply when you return to work. “Think through how to get what you want the most, and how to let go of what’s less important. You might have to slow your work goals for a while to meet your care and feeding goals, or vice versa.”

Whatever you give up for now—a decent night’s sleep, a favorite hobby, being the person who always arrives at work first—you’re unlikely to have to give these things up forever.

While identity shifts happen throughout our lives, rarely are they as pronounced as when we become parents. Add to that the possible return to work while juggling breastfeeding, pumping, child care, and travel, and you might feel stretched to the point of contortion.

We sat down with Chris Raines, a perinatal psychiatric nurse practitioner who’s been treating families for 20 years, to learn what to expect, and how to stay true to ourselves as we navigate this identity shift.

“When you have a baby, your mind is occupied with time management, caring for someone that depends on you 100% of their time,” she says. “You're moving from being an expert in your field to a novice as a parent. You can feel resentful, being in this mundane day-to-day, changing diapers, not having adult conversation, trying to meet everybody else's needs first.”

Even people who are already expert caregivers can struggle with this shift, she says. “People think you know everything, but what you are is a new parent. You’re not an expert yet. The transition from expert to novice can be hard, especially when expectations are high.”

Regardless of whether you can hardly wait to get back to work or feel unready to leave your baby, both can bring feelings of guilt, fear, and unease, and exhaustion can exacerbate these feelings.

With all the many learning curves, it’s also common to go through this transition feeling isolated and inadequate. “My oldest is 11 and I still remain convinced that I’m not fully at work or at home,” says Mariel Benjamin, a licensed clinical social worker and director of groups at Cooper. “There are days when you nail one, and it’s at the direct expense of the other. And feelings of guilt and loneliness can be exacerbated if you’re a single parent or don’t have a welcoming employer.”

Another tricky part of the shift, Benjamin says, is that certain aspects of our identities tend to dominate, and that doesn’t necessarily align with societal expectations. “What matters to us? Race? Gender? What type of friend we are? Then you add parent.

“There’s an assumption that the parent part of ourselves becomes dominant, especially for women, and that’s one place where people can get really lost. There’s a renegotiating of who you are. You don’t have to necessarily love your new self, you just have to reconcile your new self with who you were before, because who you were before didn’t disappear.”

Be patient with yourself as you embody this new role as parent, and then working parent. And remember that you’ll be a better parent if you put on your own oxygen mask first. In fact, Raines advises blocking out time every week to do something that brought you joy before having kids.

“Ultimately, babies grow up and we're left with ourselves,” she says. “You are not just a partner or parent. You're an individual. Don’t lose that power.”

Understanding your priorities takes time, and it will change over time. While it’s always helpful to check in with your partner or support system and see what’s working and what isn’t, it’s just as important to regularly check in with yourself and take stock of what you want and how to get the support you need.

“Your brain changes at this time enable you to take better care of your baby,” Benjamin says. “Be realistic about what you can and can’t do during this time. Think about what matters to you. And remember: It’s not hard just so that you suffer. This is hard so that you grow, and get better at it.”

For instance, if you’re committed to providing breast milk for a certain number of months, figure out when to introduce a bottle and start planning how to pump at work. Do your best to put efficient systems in place, like buying extra pump parts for your work bag, getting regular help cleaning pump parts at night, and finding other moms returning to work to commiserate and share tips.

For each thing you’re adding to your plate, you have that much less time to commit elsewhere, so think carefully about the support you’ll need, and then ask for it. (That includes getting professional support if you think you might be struggling with any perinatal mood and anxiety disorders or postpartum conditions or complications.)

Finally, give yourself grace as much as you can. There will be good moments, and there will be bad moments. You’re learning as you go, just like the rest of us! But everybody wins—your baby, your loved ones, yourself—when you understand your priorities and get the help you need to achieve them.

“There’s real science that a happy mom is better for her baby in every sense,” Benjamin says. “And we’re not talking about frivolous things. We’re talking about the things that make you feel whole. And if you feel whole, that’s when you can feel present for your babies.”